I miss you, all the time. It’s okay, it’s a sweet ache – like my love for you floats through my cells, reminding me that you were here.
It has been many months, and my little ones are still learning you are gone. They wake up sometimes, feeling the warmth of you, and I have to remind them – not anymore, little ones. They still don’t understand, but they are learning.
Sometimes it takes my breath away, the beauty of what we had. Sometimes I will stop on a park bench, holding my ribs, and cry. I am finding the grief, layer by layer, releasing you from my cells. (you still live in my shoulders, my chest, my throat).
Lately, it has been warm. Like the layer of ocean right under the surface, where the sunlight has touched it. Missing you is loving you, so gently.
~
When grief comes to visit,
offer her your best chair.
Please, you say, make yourself comfortable.
Put the kettle on,
steady your hands on the counter and
breathe.
She moves slowly, surely
step by step,
through soil and time
to find you,
warm and worn in your kitchen.
You have been waiting.
She will come like a rushing river,
you were told.
She will break your bones and
leave you naked,
sprawled out,
in the wet air.
You have been bracing.
But when she comes,
it is not like that at all.
She arrives like an old friend.
When grief comes to visit,
open your heart to her.
Weary hands holding warm tea,
she is a doorway between worlds.
She knows the lines on your face,
knows the love that has made its home
within your cells,
her smile is kind.
Let go, she says.
Grief, is the river that catches your tears.
She is the hands that reach out to hold you
as the soft gasp in the hollow of your rib
takes your breath and you are
on the floor,
aching,
bewildered.
She is the warm body you fall into.
When grief comes to visit,
let her in.
She will stay only a little while.
As she sings you through the bruises,
the sweet ache,
nectar of heartbreak;
as you close your eyes
and hear her slip out the door,
smiling softly;
as you pick up your bones
in the quiet of your kitchen,
you may find that you
will miss her
when she is gone.