I am constantly being unmade and remade. I have lost count of the number of times I have descended into some new layer of discomfort, then bemoaned the idea that I had everything together just a moment ago, and now it’s all falling apart, and what could have possibly caused this?
I have realized, through many waves of this, that each falling apart is just an opening into what was already here. I was already feeling the fear, I just wasn’t in touch with it. Now I am. It seems like things are worse, that all is out of control, that I’ve lost touch with all the emotional skills I used to have. I haven’t. I’m just in a new layer of connection with reality.
I think of it as the caterpillar’s goo, just, constantly. I am a perpetual caterpillar-butterfly. On the other side of each wave of falling apart, something new emerges. All my skills come back, and more. Often, I barely even notice – I’m onto the next thing. It helps to remember that every time I am unmade, it is because I am being remade into something more true, more me, more here. I just can’t see it yet.