Someone once told me that the definition of beauty is that when we find it, we want to share it. I am sure that somewhere, there is an addendum for the sacred – when we touch it, we find we cannot possibly capture it in words, and we try and try, and it is like painting the sun with your fingers on a cave wall. That is how I feel about this piece. But I have to try to express it anyway.
I am becoming increasingly entangled.
I have a soul family I am traveling through this life with. In saying yes to them, in saying yes to being in connection with their essence, in saying yes to loving them, it is like I have said: I want my lines of fate to entangle with yours. I want to travel this journey together; I want you to take me to the deserts you are wandering, I want to show you the oceans I have found; I want to explore the oasis together. I want you to impact me.
I have a group of soul sisters I meet with each week. It is one of the most precious things in my life. And our entanglement is a constant relief, wonder, delight. We’ll go through a few weeks where we’re all over the place and can’t quite schedule something. We’re all apologizing to each other. Then we come together, and we realize we all had the same few weeks – things fell apart, got scattered. It is mercury retrograde. We are all part of something greater. A sister will fall into a process that takes her through the depths of the earth, the undigested soil, death and decay; and when we come together, I find that I have been pulled into a resonant process. I begin to process my rigid do-er, feeling my way through the lack and energetic emptiness, and when we come together, we find that they are too. It is so healing to see each other tracing the same arcs, and say: Ah, it is okay for me to be here. You are here too. It is so beautiful to feel myself being pulled, interwoven, impacted, and to feel the deep yes in my system – I want to go where you are going.
I feel connected to the greater arc of humanity. I feel the waves that we are all going through as a planet. I feel my not-aloneness in whatever flavour I have convinced myself I am alone in. I feel the love for the ways that being in connection means being pulled, shaped, tugged, molded, into something new together.
I have a friend who is sailing in the same wisdom stream. Every time we connect, it is somehow, inexplicably, exactly what needed to happen for both of us. We show up just as we are, and we weave and unwind something together, and we leave closer to our true selves. Even when the road is bumpy and we’re caught in attachment, even when we can’t quite see our way out of the fog we’re in. Something is happening, through us.
I have a lover I am entangled with. Our processes are becoming one – there is no longer my process, and his, there is only a mutual process, a greater whole we are two expressions of. Something begins to appear through me, and it is a reflection of something that is appearing in him. In the material world, it feels as if we are dancing through an absurd landscape of coincidences – I begin to process my physical experience of mold, and on the other side of the world, he does too. I begin to step into my authority; and it is an echo of a process he is unwinding too. We are a refraction of the light that is shining through us; we are weaving a shared organism.
To those I love: I want to go with you where you go. I want to hold the ground and love of home camp while you venture in the wilderness, to tend the fire for you to come back to. I want to weather the storm with you. I want your mess, your petulant, your judgmental, your scared; I want you. I am choosing your boat. I want to sail this ocean with you, salt on our tongues, laughter in the wind, holding on for dear life as the waves carry us through.
Please, change the course of my life. Pull me off into some strange adventure, wading through the murky swamps. You are part of my journey – your wayfinding is part of mine.
You will buffet me. You will trigger me. You will knock me off the tightropes I am balancing on, turn my reality inside out, humble me over and over. I am becoming who I am becoming through you.
I want you to impact me.